I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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