I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
