Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
