After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
