I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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