My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I cut my penus on the lid.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
