Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
