Your tits are I can't wait for
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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