1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
