Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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