I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
