it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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