Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
