1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
