Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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