just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
