Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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