The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
