I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
