Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
