My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
