I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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