I wish my penis had an off switch
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
