If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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