my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
