Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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