dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
