What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
