I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
