if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
