apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
