this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
