dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
