i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
