I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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