she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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