Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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