remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
