I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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