she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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