If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I did not marry a roomba.
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