Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
