I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
