Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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