She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
