My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
