I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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