I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize