You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
