I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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