Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
