Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
