Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
