so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
