My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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