do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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