I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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