Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
